I have never been one who waits well. Whether it be a line up in a public restroom or in the past waiting for the right man to arrive, I have been restless in waiting. I blame my perspective on what it means to wait... and to wait well. My concept of God and my reasons for Him making us wait has been skewed. I have seen waiting as a punishment.
I have seen God as an exhausted parent who has been drilled and grilled by a cranky child desperately wanting to get to the desired location. God’s response in my mind would be WAIT!!! You can hear the frustration and annoyance; and then the child waits with dread for the arrival.
There is very little joy in this kind of waiting. There is no anticipation, excitement or what we can discover behind door number 2 or even better what can I learn in this time about our Good Father and about myself. Nope I haven’t liked waiting but as the years have passed I am learning that God’s tone, that imagine in my head, is not the truth about who He is. It is not an accurate picture of a loving God who sent His only son for us, for me.
I have felt like I have been waiting for this BC life of mine to begin. Meaning maybe that I would be settled in my heart and spirit surrounded by a community, enveloped into a "family" because my family seem is so far away. There has been many wonderful moments and lovely people God has woven into our path yet still I have been resentful in my waiting. I have been bitter and angry lately with Distance and illness with family in Ontario. Waiting in silence and at times alone has been hard and I have questioned God's decision for sending us here. Reminding him frankly that as a family we embarked on this journey. The response I have heard has been wait. But this past summer I heard the wait differently. It wasn't an angry fed up with your questions wait but a calm loving wait and it took me off guard. I heard it with my heart and I tried, truly tried, to rest in it. What I began to notice in myself was that hope grew...maybe just a little, but I had enough to get slightly excited. In the fall we became members at our new church CPC (Cedar Park Church) in Ladner. We had to get up and say a few words about ourselves like what we would like to receive from this community and what we could bring to this body. Not something I love to do but earnestly I took the task to heart and shared my heart, broken and bitter but with hope for our future. I left the stage lighthearted and excited genuinely about what God was doing.
Slowly I sense a ripple of change. My work place is a haven of great women and I thank God daily for the opportunity to have such employment. I am making connections at my local gym, silly but relationships with encouraging women and I leave laughing and thankful for this community.
As Christmas Day comes to a close I have been able to see God differently with my waiting. Not the angry WAIT! But as an excited parent with a smile in his voice and eyes ready to open a door where Christmas is laid out ready to explore and enjoy. His wait is loving, He is loving. He walks with me into that room, sometimes lovely boxes of great surprises awaits me. This super one... A woman from the church wanting to get to know me and we go for coffee and we hit it off! So much so she and another friend want me join them in the women's ministry at the church. That's a crazy unexpected gift. I am reminded that I had to be patient to receive it, that maybe it wasn't ready when I demanded it months before. God's timing is just perfect. With all this said I still wait, we all do. I still wait from far off as my mom continues with her chemotherapy. My heart and head hurt as I wait with loved ones in sickness and pain and job loss and the uncertain futures. I need to remember that voice of our father. It is a loving one. He is not mad or uncaring. Pausing to remember, to breathe, to soak in, to hunkered down times of waiting can be good, hard but worthwhile. I love the and yet in the bible....God knew that we needed the hope, the hold on, I am here. So this is where I go as the this year draws to and end. Hold on Joanne, I am here, I dispel all darkness, I got this and you and that family of yours regardless of the housing market and the crazy expensive city you are in. I have your mom and dad, and the family you left behind. Isaiah 43:19 "See I am doing a new thing, now it springs up do you not perceive it. I making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
Blessings as we enter a new year. Taste and see that the Lord is good.
From our home to yours,
"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."