I have never been one who waits well. Whether it be a line up in a public restroom
or in the past waiting for the right man to arrive, I have been restless in
waiting. I blame my perspective on what
it means to wait... and to wait well. My
concept of God and my reasons for Him making us wait has been skewed. I have
seen waiting as a punishment.
I have seen God as an exhausted parent who has been drilled and
grilled by a cranky child desperately wanting to get to the desired location.
God’s response in my mind would be WAIT!!!
You can hear the frustration and annoyance; and then the child
waits with dread for the arrival.
There is very little joy in this kind of waiting. There is no anticipation, excitement or what
we can discover behind door number 2 or even better what can I learn in this
time about our Good Father and about myself.
Nope I haven’t liked waiting but as the years have passed I am learning
that God’s tone, that imagine in my head, is not the truth about who He is. It is not an accurate picture of a loving God
who sent His only son for us, for me.
I have felt like I have been waiting for this BC life of mine to
begin. Meaning maybe that I would be settled in my heart and spirit surrounded
by a community, enveloped into a "family" because my family seem is
so far away. There has been many wonderful moments and lovely people God has
woven into our path yet still I have
been resentful in my waiting. I have
been bitter and angry lately with Distance and illness with family in Ontario.
Waiting in silence and at times alone has been hard and I have questioned God's
decision for sending us here. Reminding him frankly that as a family we
embarked on this journey. The response I
have heard has been wait. But this past summer I heard the wait differently. It wasn't an angry fed up with your questions wait but a calm loving wait
and it took me off guard. I heard it with my heart and I tried, truly tried, to
rest in it. What I began to notice in myself was that hope grew...maybe just
a little, but I had enough to get slightly
excited. In the fall we became members at our new church CPC (Cedar Park Church) in Ladner. We had to get up and say a few words about ourselves like
what we would like to receive from this community and what we could bring to
this body. Not something I love to do but earnestly I took the task to heart
and shared my heart, broken and bitter but with hope for our future. I left the
stage lighthearted and excited genuinely about what God was doing.
Slowly I sense a ripple of change. My work place is a haven of
great women and I thank God daily for the opportunity to have such employment.
I am making connections at my local gym, silly but relationships with
encouraging women and I leave laughing and thankful for this community.
As Christmas Day comes to a close I have been able to see God
differently with my waiting. Not the angry WAIT! But as an excited parent with
a smile in his voice and eyes ready to open a door where Christmas is laid out
ready to explore and enjoy. His wait is loving, He is loving. He walks with me
into that room, sometimes lovely boxes of great surprises awaits me. This super
one... A woman from the church wanting to get to know me and we go for coffee
and we hit it off! So much so she and another friend want me join them in the
women's ministry at the church. That's a crazy unexpected gift. I am reminded
that I had to be patient to receive it, that maybe it wasn't ready when I demanded
it months before. God's timing is just perfect.
With all this said I still wait,
we all do. I still wait from far off as my mom continues with her
chemotherapy. My heart and head hurt as I wait with loved ones in sickness and
pain and job loss and the uncertain futures. I need to remember that voice of
our father. It is a loving one. He is not mad or uncaring. Pausing to remember,
to breathe, to soak in, to hunkered down times of waiting can be good, hard but
worthwhile. I love the and yet in the bible....God knew that we
needed the hope, the hold on, I am here.
So this is where I go as the this year draws to and end. Hold on Joanne, I am here, I dispel all darkness, I got this and you and that family of yours regardless
of the housing market and the crazy expensive city you are in. I have your mom
and dad, and the family you left behind.
Isaiah 43:19 "See I am doing a new thing, now it springs up do
you not perceive it. I making a way in the wilderness and streams in the
wasteland."
Blessings as we enter a new year. Taste and see that the Lord is
good.
From our home to yours,
Joanne
"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."
T.S. Elliot
Very well said. Love you! Happy New Year!
ReplyDeletelessons in waiting... so much to learn as we press into Him. Rejoicing with you as you are learning these things faster than before. I feel for you and your distance from family. I will be praying for you in that. Hugs from Ontario.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart with us. You're a wonderful woman, mother, friend and I am so glad you are finding your niche. Much love from all us Baskervilles this Christmas.
ReplyDelete